you must remember this
a kiss is just a kiss
a sigh is just a sigh
the fundamental things apply
as time goes by...
and when two lovers woo
they still say i love you
on that you can rely
no matter what the future brings
as time goes by...

Routine

The day runs every day. It used to pause and throw a look at me. It used to be look of surprise, then it turned to an imploring look, a sad look, a disapproving look. It remained a mock for a long time. Now it has become a look of disregard, the one reserved by a sincere yet snobby student for the lower half of the score card. And I respond like any dignified member of that lower half, with my own self justified smirk of disdain.

I sleep, so I can walk in my dreams, walk wherever I want to. So I can see stories that make no sense. So I can see people that I think about all day without knowing. Sometimes I sleep so I can fly, feel the rush as I jump, the power as I glide above houses, the restrained nerves before I come back to ground again.

I am lonely when I'm not alone.

me

The me that rules the world. The me that I love. The me that has served me well. The me that's the best that I have known. The me that's the best ever. The me that has a plan. The me that can take everything. The me that comes out from everything. The me that is Indian. The me that loves. The me that's humble. And the me that's proud to be me.

the morning came as it always does
sleepy by my side
and i thought it was love
when i saw u in that white sweater
its winter and its cold
and i long for your embrace
to have you by my side
and stare at your face forever

No man is born with ideas and ideals. They are formed over a course of time, over conversations, over experiences, over interactions. Young, man drifts from one to the next trying them out, building and demolishing beliefs as fast as time passes him by. What forms though is his ability to reason, which he uses for justifications of beliefs that cling on. That man should never be chastised for his beliefs or for his past infidelity with them.

Times in life when you realize you need to do something different than what you have been doing, for whatever reasons, are hard. Change is never easy. Once you settle into something, esp something that is comfortable and meets your social and personal needs, it takes effort to change how you think. And you tend to be cynical. The key is to know what you want, find what is important and work only towards it, without caring for anything else. To be single-minded and not to indulge in thoughts that distract you from it.

self

Not the most patriotic time of the year, but I somehow feel good to be an Indian.

Somewhere I read "You have reached the pinnacle of success as soon as you uninterested in money, compliments, or publicity". I don't think I want money too much. I mean I want money but I am content with what I have and I don't crave for insane amounts. I do fish for compliments, a lot, and I have mentioned before that that's something I don't like about myself. But for someone who doesn't have many vices, its just a boost that I need to keep myself going, even though I should be able to be work on my own. As far as publicity goes, I am content to remain behind the stage. Sometimes I end up being talked about and then I berate myself for being too self-centered and not letting others be a part of the group just as much as I am.

Not for me and me

Not for me are the rolling stones. I lay steady on the sidewalk. Not for me are the crowns and chains. Red stripes on white will do just as well. Not for me the thousand word poems with structures putting labyrinths to shame. Just simple questions that ignite my curiosity. Not for me the sculptures that praise the hands who carved them. A clean mirror that reflects me is all I need. Not the six-course meals which feed more than they should and less than they could. Just roti, dal and aloo bhujia. Not the airplane rides that take me across the oceans. But the desire to walk the whole world and see. Not the comfort of the curve. But the will to soar.

Its like you keep on sacrificing things in your life, never losing sight of your goal, and then something comes across that you love so much, that you forget everything and nothing else matters.

smileys and symbols

Sometimes your heart desires exactly what is denied. You get options, better to any rational mind, but you forget reason and make up your own. You smile, as if only you know a secret. You believe against all odds. You insist and you persist. You defy, feel like a rebel. You get motivated and inspired, without any apparent stimuli, except your own hidden lair of confidence. You gently clench your fists every time you think of it. You forget everything else. That's when you know.

Reprise

I am ambitious, smart and funny. I am what I aspire to be and I am what you don't know you should be. I am the answer to all my questions. I am the toothbrush that brushes my teeth, I am my toothpaste and I am my teeth. I am fixed and I am ever changing. I am the wave to a friend and I am the cry of a lark. I am Krishna and I am the Buddha. I am the light in the tunnel and I am the dark. I am music and I am lyrics. I am an atom. I am right in the middle and I am the end. I am the fragrance of a rose and I am the bend of my knee. I am my hands and I am the dripping water from a tree. I am a samosa and I am the chutney. I am bound by myself and I am the only one free. I am a poem and I am a riot. I am a dot and I am the ohm. I am Ramayana and I am Mahabharata. I am red. I am the arrogance and I am the deference. I am defiant. I am the breath and I am sweat. I am the strum of a string and I am the buzz of a bee. I am the road and I am the dust. I am a light unto myself. I am.

Excuses and inhibitions

Music does something to me, and i would guess, just to hide my insecurities behind it, to everyone else too, doesn't it ? The beats, the rhythm, and sometimes the words, in some way or the other, sync with the speed and the rhythm of my brain and my body, and i find myself running along with them, at their pace, being guided by them, into the unknown. Its full of joy and a sense of wonder. Its like there is someone who understands and lets me be. And I want to be with him. I remember things. I admire and think how its so apt for me. Sometimes I feel alone, at times I feel like running. But mostly, I feel at home, on a rainy morning, curled up in bed, hugging myself. And I don't quite understand what it says about me, but I feel like crying.

(...)

you come at odd hours
unannounced, unnoticed
and lay claim on my self.
i watch peacefully
with the eye reserved for my bedside window
as you wash away my thoughts,
with the meticulousness of a mother
cleaning her soiled son.
like a doting daughter
you make me forget my present
and remember
days when i humored u
days when i thought i could hold u.
i hear u complain
for the mess that i have
my tears
and i hear u scold me
for my fears
like a punch in my gut
i feel the words
which are yours, my love.
then u bring me my wine
my dreams
i try to deny
but u stop my words with a kiss
i look u in the eye
and we drink together
as one
my temptress, my loneliness.

I think I will take some time out, time out from myself, my whole being which feels superior by doing things which I do. Should be an experience. Do exactly what I am supposed to do. And see how I fare.

can you hear this laugh
choose to enter the zoo
love the frailty of life
did you forget to bleed
read the faces in clouds
mean more than u said
will you fade away again
dream with written words
and fall behind scavengers

When once you called me my love
i gifted you my dreams
now its just words
that will define your memory
with every part of my soul
running to catch up with your transparent images
the sketches are far from perfect
i pray for your sake
and mine
the bird flies away from my roof
leaves the flutter and the smell
feathers everywhere
the playground for seduction
of mind
sneak out of your shelters
dream for simpler times
a madness for religious experiences
without questions
sailing on the wind
cursed heavy for blowing
over unknown territories
act out yourself beside me
please me
shiver and stammer and get flustered
look out the window and lament
for the man from hell who smiles
release me
he calls out to you
kill him
as only you can
this strange hour of death
notice the glow around us
forget the angels
and come back in black.

When you look at me, what do you think, if you do ? Am I the average guy who seems nice but smiles creepily sometimes ? Or am I the guy you thought was smart but turns out is almost as dumb as you were that age ? Am I the guy who is staring at you everytime you turn back in class ? Or the guy you want to maintain a safe distance from by just waving when you pass him on street ? Do you feel the need to humor me because I come in handy when you want to amuse yourself ? Or do you feel insecure by my presence ? Do you think I just act smart to get your attention ? Or maybe I am one of those eager-to-please people or with an obsessive compulsion to be right ? Do you think I am fat ? Plain ? I hope some of you also think that I am sharp. Maybe better.
I look in the mirror everyday. The face that stares back is familiar but I dont know what goes on inside his head. He feels happy when he shouldn't be and is angry at things that should be passed aside by a shrug. I dont know why he thinks about things as he does. Does he care for others or is he as self-possessed as I think he is. Or maybe these are not mutually exclusive. Anyways, he is looking better as his hair grows longer and longer.

Stratosphere

Last night was one of the religious experiences that I have every once in a while. Questions were asked that made me think and in the sleep that followed, I found answers. I must've thought if I've written, but vanity doesn't lie down quiet. It takes over the style. It's acceptable if it could be manipulated by the ego which is just as restless, though infinitely more acceptable. Being true needs a subject. Because the conjuring of an image is so difficult, hence the need for a god. And the attempt is then made to be comfortable being naked.

fight for beliefs

I am one of the most fucked up people in head that I know. In fact I cant even say that, because I dont know how everyone feels and if I did, i dont know how I would have felt had I known that I was the only one who had these thoughts. I have the utmost belief in myself and my principles and my sense of righteousness and how I should behave and what is good for me and what is not. Sometimes I think it borders on arrogance, thought I have never found that to be disturbing.
I think all that this is, is that sometimes its just hard to keep believing in yourself without being able to talk to anyone else, anyone who I respect as I do myself. Maybe the wise thing is to circumvent everything and take care of myself. Or maybe what I need is to be calm and composed.
Anyways, long breaths and we continue.

Soliloquy of the Solipsist

I
Know you appear
Vivid at my side,
Denying you sprang out of my head
Claiming you feel
Love fiery enough to prove flesh real,
Though it's quite clear
All your beauty, all your wit, is a gift, my dear,
From me.

Do not stand at my grave and weep;
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.

to the free night

from today, its only going to be just you and me. not one else. not a single one. we start an affair, today, tonight. i say that i need you. there, i let it out in the open. i need you like i need to sleep. i need you like i need to weep sometimes. i need you like i need cookies at midnight. i need you like i need silence. i need you like i need you to talk to me. i need you like i need you to listen to me. i need you like i need words right now. i need you like i need you when i don't have you. i need you. from today, we shed all inhibitions and live for each other. every moment of every thought that i think, i know that you exist. i know that if no one else, i have you. we don't care who thinks what, who shares what with us, who praises or who does not, whether we rhyme or we lose all reason, we will be together, i will have you. i cannot let go of you. i desire you. i admire you. because you inspire me.

and things i say i mean
shapes of clouds in sky
both dark and white in sky
like memories gone by
a smile is on your face
no words come out as words
and a failure is every try
like in memories gone by
and u see some birds and dream
green or blue or green
trust is in your eyes
and u let yourself fall
into the soft sweet embrace
of memories gone by

dreams.

There must be truth in the dreams I have,
for why else should I sleep ?
To let me rest and wake up again
and lament and weep.
And weep I must, for it is good,
good it is that I let it out;
and care not much for things I have
just sleep, sleep and sleep...